


Suicide is painless

by MishasHipbones



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, But Only if you squint really hard - Freeform, Cas is a mess, Cas is so done, Dean is Bad at Feelings, Dean is In Over His Head, Dean is a Little Shit, Depression, Fanfiction Green, Human AU, Human Castiel, Hurts So Good, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Sad Castiel, Self-Harm, While I was on suicide watch, attempted suicide, big brother gabe, im so sorry, trigger warning, very slight fluff, very slight homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-09-03 12:57:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8714815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MishasHipbones/pseuds/MishasHipbones
Summary: Once upon a time Castiel had been happy, that is until the light was torn from his life. When he lost the one person he had ever loved it was to much. That's how he finds himself in that stiff hospital room, coming face to face with his demons.





	1. It brings on many changes

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote this while I was on suicide watch.

Days seem longer when you're stuck in a cold white room. Hospitals had never been one of Castiels favorite places, not by a long shot, but here he is. Confined to a stiff, scratchy bed when he's not even sick. The doctors all seem to think he has something wrong with his brain. A mental malfunction. You mention hating this world and the people in it one time and all hell breaks loose.

Sure he hated his life, his parents were complete shit, his brothers were assholes and at a school like Shurly High being gay was as bad as actually committing murder. So that's how he ended up here. Those stupid pills hadn't worked nearly as fast as he would have liked and he had been caught as soon as they had begun to take effect. Gabriel always had been a good one to bust into a room at the worst time.

Gabriel. His slightly older brother. The only part of his family that he actually wanted to keep around. All their lives he had been there, protecting Cas and making sure that his baby brother made it through life unharmed for the most part. That must be how he knew about Dean. How he knew that in that moment Cas wouldn't be at school like he was supposed to be.

Dean Winchester. The epitome of perfection. Big fanfiction green eyes. Sprinkles of tan freckles over even darker skin. Plush, perfect lips. Dirty blonde hair so unruly that it looks completely natural. The beginning of Castiels downfall. He should have known better really. You don't just fall in love with a drifter. Someone who brushes through town in a shiny classic car and stays long enough to capture you're complete devotion before taking off again in a cloud of dust.

Maybe it was because he had stayed longer than he had intended, much longer, or maybe it was how he would look at Castiel when they would make love. Or maybe he was just an idiot who saw what he wanted in the soul of a man who could never hold him as closely as he wanted.

Either way he had left. Taken everything that had given Cas any happiness with him and left that once again hollow corpse in his wake. There was no goodbye. No promises to write. Not even a warning that soon he would be out of his life. It only took a few days for him to realize that the man of his dreams wasn't coming back. That's when it all hit again. The crippling sense of devastation.

School was hell for those few days, kids were cruel as usual, but it was getting harder and harder to ignore them. They were becoming ruthless and not even his senior brother could pull them off. So he made a choice. If they didn't want him around he would comply. Now the story has come full circle. Back to a hospital room with white walls, white sheets and a scratchy bed.

It's like being in prison really. The way they treat you here. As if any second you're going to explode and take half of the hospital with you. There are rules that are sense and rules that make you feel like an invalid. No pencils, no shoe strings, no visitors, only plastic silver wear, no using the bathroom on your own. It's a mess really. They want you to get better, not want to kill yourself anymore, but this is the type of environment that makes you want to end it all out of sheer embarrassment.

They say he'll be here for a while. Until they think he can handle life again. They don't know that he can't handle life with out Dean. He's not going to tell them that though. They're on a need to know basis. The faster he's out of here the faster he can get on with his miserable existence.

With all of the strict rules in place he was not expecting visitors, he especially was not expecting the face of Dean Winchester to manifest in his door way. He most certainly wasn't expecting the nurses to be willingly escorting him into the room, all smiles and white teeth. His already strained heart was surely going to leap from his chest and land on the cold tile floor. The look on his face, he could imagine, was comical with eyes the size of saucers and mouth dropped into his lap, hands clenched into tight fists in the stiff white sheets. By now he was sure that he was in some sort of sick nightmare where the nurses would all start cackling like insane witches and Dean would rip the breath right from his lungs once again before riding off into the sunset.

"Hey Cas....How's it going?"

How's it going? Hey Cas? That's it? After completely destroying his world and taking everything that ever made him happy that's all he can say? A white hot rage began to build deep in his belly. A shock of heat and boiling blood. Oddly though it causes his body to relax. His fists unclench, his eyes go back to normal and his breathing evens out. Instead of looking at the man who ruined him any longer he turns his head, looking at the cold white wall.

"Go away Dean. You have no reason to be here."


	2. And you can take or leave it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean talk, Dean stops being emotionally constipated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here's chapter 2. I've decided to turn this into a multi chapter fic as opposed to my original plan of making it just a one or two time thing. The chapters probably won't be super long or long at all, but there will be a few of them so it should add up. I don't have this pre-written, I have no beta and I have no idea where this going. Also, I'll be working on the time stamps and sequels for Unpretty, so that's first priority, but this will be updated as some points. Thanks so much for reading!

"No reason to be here? Cas...I'm the reason you're here in the first place. Damn...I didn't think that leaving would end this badly but if I would have stuck around to explain you never would have let me go. I'm sorry...when Charlie called Sam and told him that you'd...well...ya know...I turned the car around on the spot."

Every word that leaves that beautiful mouth of his is like another slap to the face. Where once he was relaxed he's gone rigid again, hands clutching at overly starched sheets, teeth clenched so tightly together that it's painful. Still he doesn't look up, because he knows that if he looks up he'll give in. He would never be able to deny Dean Winchester anything. Not even forgiveness. That's why as he speaks he keeps his eyes trained on that plain white wall, mentally counting the specks in the spackling.

"I'm sure that whatever reason you had was fine. Don't flatter yourself Dean, I'm not here because of you. Contrary to what everyone believes my world doesn't revolve around you."

With out even looking up at the other man he can see him flinch. For a minute he almost feels guilty but that feeling is soon replaced by a sick sort of pleasure, one that takes root deep inside of his chest and spreads until it tingles into his finger tips. The silence between them stretches until Castiel is sure that Dean has left the room. He's nearly tempted to glance behind him when the deep tone of Deans voice reaches his ears, it's so quiet that he nearly misses it.

"But....my world revolves around you."

The words were as stiff as the mattress beneath him. They hung in the air, floating between the two like a dead weight. His face contorts bin to a look of confusion, head tilting to the side in that adorable way that he has and this time he does look at Dean. Blue eyes search the face of a man who had shattered him only days before and something inside of him breaks. Instead of throwing a fit like he wants to he breaks down into sobs. 

In only a few se ones he is being enveloped in the warmth of Deans arms. His own body reacts to his touch immediately, relaxing against him and letting himself sob into the firm shoulder of his ex-lover.

"Why? Why did you leave me? I gave you everything! I....I l-love you so much and you j-just left me with out even s-saying goodbye."

"Baby, trust me when I say that I wouldn't have left you without a good reason. I've been a lot of places and met a lot of people but none of them have ever compared to you. Can't we just pretend this never happened? I'll deal with any repercussions as they come. I'm not leaving you again."

As long as he's waited to hear those words he knows that he would never be able to forgive this man unless he knee this apparently good reason for running off the way he did. He didn't land himself in this God forsaken hospital just to walk away with no explanation.

"No Dean, I have to know, if you ever want forgiveness you're going to have to tell me why you destroyed my entire world." The small, humorless chuckle that leaves the taller mans chest sends a shiver down his spine that has nothing to do with the room that always seems to cold.

"Cas, Angel, my world was destroyed the moment I met you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos, comments and bookmarks are always welcome. Any suggestions for the story and where it's going? Want to beta my stories? Just shoot me a comment!

**Author's Note:**

> After re-reading this I see the grammatical and spelling errors. That shall be fixed shortly I assure you.
> 
> AYYEE!! 
> 
> I fixed the errors and did some stuff. :D
> 
> Also, I promise to update this as soon as I finish the sequel to Unpretty! Thank you guys so much for reading this and leaving all of the amazing comments! It means the world to me!


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